Journal Entry: Fri Nov 16, 2012, 11:06 PM
1. Jeremy Hasenbalg. My biggest mistake. He was the first person to show me that I am beautiful in a way that I could see too. He taught me about importance of passion in life, and showed me exactly who I was at that point in my life. I didn't like who I saw, and so I changed it. I almost ruined the start of his relationship with the woman he's loved for over a decade, and I am so glad that now, several years later, they have become engaged and are still happy and working on doing things they love. He taught me to keep doing what you love, and to be true to who you are, regardless of the situation in which you've found yourself.
2.Jessica Blakely. My sister. Junior year was not a good year for me. That was the closest I ever came to actually killing myself, and if it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here. Whether we are around each other as often as we would like or not, I know she will always be in my life.
3.Andrew Groot. My brother. If I had never met this kid, I would be nowhere near the person that I am today. He was my "first kiss" (of course, to anyone else it doesn't count but we find it amusing), and while there are times I want to beat him up for telling the same story verbatim to several different groups and for being smarter than I am, I am beyond proud of him, and glad to have him as family.
4.Ann Poggali. My junior year English teacher. She knew what was going on at home, understood why I wasn't doing well in her class, even though I was smart enough that I should have been ace-ing her class. She pushed me hard, didn't let me give up even when things were at their most bleak. She let me stay after school in her class so that I could do my school work, or so that I could talk. She showed me that there are always solutions to difficult problems, if you're determined enough to find them.
5.Richard Allen Bovee Jr. My dad. Every day, I question what I do, try to see if what I do would make him proud. I still don't always make the best choices, but I do try my hardest, and I think that makes all the difference.
6.Kathy DeHaan-Hunter. My mom. She was always there for a conversation or a laugh as I was growing up, and her kitchen was a safe place to discuss anything that was going on at home that I needed to talk about without worry it would get back to my mother. Now that I'm older, I don't visit nearly as often as I should, but I know that when I do, there will always be a spot around the kitchen island for me, and that if I have something going on that I can't figure out, she will try her best to give me advice, or if she can't do that, she will at least try to provide a laugh. She was one of the first people I went to tell that Brian left me. I was still crying, an emotional disaster, and she understood, hugged me tightly, cried with me and talked with me until I couldn't talk any more, and helped me to laugh a little, even though it hurt. If I had never met my Kathy mom, I would not be the well rounded, beautiful person that I am on the inside, and I probably would have been one of those people who have awful childhoods and that follows them throughout life so that they make bad decisions and end up selling drugs or worse. She has always been my spiritual rock, and while I don't share the exact same beliefs that she does, she has a big impact on how I view my spiritual relationship with life. There are not enough words in the world to describe the love I have for my mom, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.
7. Elaine Skeggs. Another mom/sister. She was the very first person I called when Brian left, still bawling my eyes out, unsure of where I was going and knowing that I needed to talk to someone or I was going to be sitting on the balcony curled in the fetal position screaming and pulling my hair out. She and Mike have been such a help in kicking me out of being a teen into actually trying to be an adult. They helped me get out of my grandmother's house, and when Brian left they let me come back so that I could get back on my feet. She is always there to talk when I need her, and she showed me that you can be assertive and important without always being loud. I'm not really very good at it, but I wouldn't know it was possible without her. She also helped me see how very important communication can be in a relationship of any sort, because a misunderstanding left to simmer eventually becomes a disaster. We managed to learn about ourselves and each other while I was living there, and eventually, I will be able to make it up to them.
8. James Reilly. He was the second person I called after Brian left, and even though he doesn't drive, he managed to find a way to get to me to make sure I wasn't alone. Even before that, he has always been there to help me out when my brain is too screwed up for me to see what is in front of me. He pushes me to think better, to be a better person, and to laugh at myself sometimes. He reminds me that I'm human, and that while yes, I make some stupid mistakes sometimes, I also have the ability to learn from those mistakes.
9. Kelsi Rose. She is one of the most loyal, hard-working, and caring people I know. If I had never met Kelsi, I would not be nearly as close to accepting peoples compliments as I am now, and I would not think of myself as a beautiful person, whether that means physically or personality wise. Because I know her, I push myself that extra bit harder when I just want to lay around feeling sorry for myself, I actually am attempting (albeit poorly) to at least walk the Metroparks once a week so that I can reach my goal weight, and when I get to spend time with my family of friends at home, I know that they spend time with me because they love me as much as I do them. (Okay, so that last one isn't entirely on Kelsi, but she has yelled at me when I feel like I'm not worth the effort enough that she is a major contributor to it).
10. Brian Bell. Ex-husband. If you didn't see it coming you should have. He is the only person who has ever made me consider marriage as a viable thing even, and actually managed to take it a step farther and got me to marry him. A lot of the changing that I have done in the past 3 years have been due to his influence in my life, so I do owe a lot to him. He swept me off of my feet, made me believe in love again. He reminded me that life sometimes is all about fun and games, but that sometimes you need to do the things you don't want to do. He showed me how to smile again, even though he couldn't find me when I was drowning in doubt and pity. He taught me that I am worthy of being loved, but that the person to love me has to be just as strong as I am, and that I need to be much better at being an adult before I try to be in a stable relationship.
Listening to: Dirty Work by Halestorm
Drinking: Cherry Coke, though whiskey is better